Relapse…The struggle of turning the wheel on a out of control car…

I don’t want to sit here and say that I have been trying to avoid this topic like the plague, but I kind of have.  Things happen in life, but when you grow up using the same coping skills for a long time, its very difficult to re-adjust to something different.  A couple of weeks ago, I told my therapist that I struggle so hard during fall, winter and early spring.  I am happy that I can think clear enough to realize that now, but for the past few days, my anxiety and depression have overcome me.  Please stick with me through this post.  Physically yes, treatment did what it was supposed to, but with insurance being the jack-holes they are deemed me “healed”.  Well let me tell you something, I wasn’t ready to leave mentally.  I was just about to start working on my trauma with my therapist when insurance pulled the cord.  I know people who don’t understand this don’t really understand things at all.  When you are in treatment, you are in this safe, non judgmental place, and they are there to nurture you so that you can learn the proper skills so that you can return to your life.  Am I saying my therapist here at home isn’t good at what she does?  Hell no!  She is a bad ass therapist, who has been more supportive and in my corner than a lot of people in my life.  Here’s the thing…seeing her for 1 hour a week isn’t giving me the place to let go of all of the hurt that I have.  She is well suited to deal with trauma, its just a nasty process.  So I need to figure that out.  On the other hand I have to think about what makes it so difficult for me to deal with life in the fall, winter and early spring.  It’s hard to explain how I feel inside.  There is a hopeless feeling, an empty hole inside of me.  It’s dark, it hurts mentally and physically.  When you walk around not wanting to talk to anyone, for anyone to acknowledge you, to just blend in for a moment, to let me gather myself.

Relapse isn’t easy, and it sure isn’t easy when you don’t have people around you that understand the feelings, the fears, the anxiety, the depression, and the rules that you brain tells you that you have to follow in order to be ok.  I don’t really know where I was wanting to go with this, I guess I just wanted people to know and understand that if they feel this way, and are fighting for their lives everyday, YOU AREN’T ALONE.  This is what mental illness is.  It strips everything about who you are away from you, and leaves you as an empty shell of a person.

On my best days, I’m not as self-conscious about who I am, but I will tell you that I fight for my life.  I fight to get out of bed, I fight to get dressed, and I fight so hard to be in public.  I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking at trying to explain relapse to someone who is willing to understand.

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